The 2008 Jakeys!!!

The celebs gather for the 2008 Jakeys!!!


Welcome ladies and gentleman to the fabulous Kodak Theater in downtown Los Angeles!

The red carpet is out for the long line of A-list celebrities gathering here tonight for the 1st Annual Columbia Football Jakey Awards!

There's Brad and Angelina walking in with Des Werthman.

Oh, and is that Samuel L. Jackson getting Jamie Schwalbe's autograph?

Well enough star gazing it's awards time!

Let's join our host, Billy Crystal!!!



Who were you expecting, Chris Berman?


Billy Crystal: Okay, okay, let's get on with this, I need to make this snappy because Lindsay Lohan is parking my car.

But seriously folks welcome to the Jakeys, even though I know you're all just here to try to meet Matt Fox. Here's a guy who won 2 games in his whole Columbia varsity career, and he still gets two hit TV shows and a ton of movie roles. That's as crazy as giving the guys on Wall Street a $700 billion bailout... oh wait, we did that!

But let's get started with our first award, "Freshman/Rookie of the Year."

The nominees are:


Owen Fraser, DT

Kalasi Huggins, CB

A.J. Maddox, CB/Special Teams



Owen Fraser, 2008 Jakey Freshman/Rookie of the Year (CREDIT: Columbia Athletics)


BC: And the winner is... OWEN FRASER!!!

Okay, big fella. Enjoy that award and get back to Carman Hall in time for the next unnecessary fire drill.


Now, it's time for our big musical number. We wanted to have the Columbia University Marching Band join us for that tonight, but they were asked to leave every commercial flight from JFK to Los Angeles.

Instead, let's welcome Columbia alumnus and the guy I see every few years when we both use the same hair stylist... ART GARFUNKEL!!!!



Bozo the clown called... he wants his hair back


BC: Thank you, thank you, Art. That rendition of "Who Owns New York" to the tune of "Bridge Over Trouble Water" was touching. But remember, there's only one "O" in Columbia, buddy.

Okay, let's get to the our second award, "Sophomore of the Year!"

The nominees are:

Alex Gross, LB

Adam Mehrer, S

Ian Quirk, OG

Zack Kourouma, RB

Calvin Otis, CB



Alex Gross, your Jakey-winning Sophomore of the Year (CREDIT: Columbia Athletics)


BC: And the winner is... ALEX GROSS!!

Alex, congratulations! Hey, you already had the most tackles in the Ivies this year, you didn't need to clothesline Art Garfunkel... but thanks for doing that anyway.


Okay, we're moving right along here. But now is the time that we get the explanation on how the votes were tabulated from the accountant guys. So, let's give a listen to former Arthur Andersen executive, and the guy who was in charge of the Enron account, David Duncan!!


Look what kind of work I have to do now


DD: Thanks Billy! It's great to be on national TV now that what we did at Andersen and Enron is like a drop in the bucket compared to those dopes on Wall Street.

Anyway, all the votes for the Jakeys were carefully tabulated by me and my friends Jeff Skilling and Andy Fastow. Luckily, Jake was the only one voting, so even we couldn't screw that up. We did try to sell his votes on the credit default swap market, but that blew up in our faces.

But rest assured, Jake's votes were counted accurately.


BC: Thanks David. Now back to the awards. And this is a big one, "Junior of the Year."


The nominees are:


Lou Miller, DE

Austin Knowlin, WR/Special Teams

M.A. Olawale, QB

Evan Sanford, C

Taylor Joseph, WR/LS

Andy Shalbrack, S



Lou Miller is getting ready for wrestling (CREDIT: Columbia Athletics)


BC: And the winner is... LOU MILLER.

Lou is not here tonight because he's already training for wrestling this spring. But accepting this award for him right now is a guy who plays a Columbia student on the big screen. Please welcome the Amazing Spider-Man... Tobey Maguire!!!

Enjoy this moment Tobey, because this might be the closest you ever come to actually getting an award on this stage.


Okay, we're ready for the older kids. It's time for the "Senior of the Year!"
The nominees are:

Drew Quinn, LB

Mike Brune, OL

Ralph DeBernardo, OL

Jon Rocholl, K/P



St. X Strikes Again! (CREDIT: Columbia Athletics)



BC: And the winner is... DREW QUINN!!

Hey that's three straight winners from Ohio and the last two from St. Xavier High School! I'm having visions of being punished by nuns and I'm not even Catholic!!


Okay, this is the time in the program when we run that silent clip showing all the important people who died in the last calendar year. But since this ceremony is going for laughs, we'll just remember recently-retired/fired/whatever Yale Head Coach Jack Siedlecki. Let's have a moment of silence. Okay, I guess not.



A moment of silence for Jack?


Moving on... let's name our 2008 Jakey award winner for "Offensive Player of the Year."

The nominees are:

M.A. Olawale

Austin Knowlin

Evan Sanford




Olawale sparked the offense in both CU wins (CREDIT: Columbia Athletics)


BC: And the winner is... M.A. OLAWALE!!!

Sorry, it's taking Millie a little while to get onstage because everyone in the crowd is asking him about his knee. That's okay folks, you'll just have to wait on that one, injury news is top secret around here.


Now, let's meet our nominees for "Defensive Player of the Year."


Lou Miller

Alex Gross

Owen Fraser

Drew Quinn



Accepting on behalf of Lou Miller...


BC: And the winner is... LOU MILLER!!!

That's the second award tonight for Lou, and Tobey Maguire is having a little trouble holding two Jakey statuettes at once. Time to hit the gym there, Spidey!


Now, we have one of my favorite awards, "Most Improved Player."
The nominees are:

Ray Rangel

Lou Miller

Mike Stephens

Zack Kourouma

Adam Mehrer


BC: And the winner is... LOU MILLER!!!

Oh, Tobey Maguire is getting a hernia carrying all these trophies for Lou Miller. I think we need to ask someone stronger. How about Columbia alum Maggie Gyllenhaal? Thanks for coming Maggie. Can we get a doctor to look at Tobey please?




She's stronger than she looks

And now the big one. MVP for 2008.


The nominees are:

Lou Miller

Alex Gross

M.A. Olawale

Austin Knowlin


BC: And the winner is... LOU MILLER!!!

WOW!! Four nominations and four wins for Lou Miller ladies and gentlemen!!! It's a clean sweep. Hey, Maggie Gyllenhaal is not only carrying all four Jakey statueettes for Lou, she's also got Tobey Maguire in her hands without a problem. Let's have a hand for this super lady!!!

Good night everybody!!!